Bad Shoes

I rolled my ankle twice during my trip. Pretty sorry considering I spent 140 dollars on them. I spent a week in the beautiful mountains of New Hampshire enjoying the beautiful weather. I coasted through the streets on my way there high off of the experience of being out in such a breathtaking landscape. I felt enlightened, my experience with my new meditation has lead me to another completely new healing perspective. The weight finally off my shoulders and a unshakable joy within me, I approached our new temporary condo home. The inside was beautiful. Carpets that's massage your feet with their unique texture. Leather couches. Flat screen tv. Jacuzzi bath and a view of the river from the back yard.

We played like little kids outside in our new shoes sprinting like we were ten years old again. It was liberating. After spending some time hanging over the edge of the bridge by the river, we decided to head back to wait for my uncle. 

My bright attitude continued until the trails towards Greely Pond. For some reason I kept coming out of the present moment. It was like some dark cloud looming overheard, despite the cloudless blue sky of the day. 

My ankle rolled twice. Thoughts began racing through my head and hardness and desperation took over. Despite the beautiful scenery I found it very hard to enjoy. I am defective, I am not good enough, I am not going to be able to enjoy the trails this vacation. I felt completely powerless. 

I thought it was the shoes at first but then my thoughts switched to there being something wrong with my ankle. Which of course to my ego meant there was something wrong with me. For the next hour I was in agony, desperate, and full of self-hatred. Eventually the haze cleared and we found our way to Greely Pond and my whole perspective shifted again. Bliss had been restored momentarily. The serene mountain valley pond was so still and was clear enough to easily see to the bottom. We even saw a tiny fish with orange fins momentarily swim by us.

Eventually we packed up and began our way back. It was as difficult as coming down. Those same waves emotions came one after the other. Powerlessness, despair, hatred. Rolling waves not giving any break to let me get my bearings. By the time we made it back I was pretty defeated. It was tangible in the air and my uncle asked me what was wrong. I simply said “it sucks not being able to do what I want.” My chest felt a little lighter after that and soon my perspective slowly started to shift back.

The next hike the following day was just as painful, although I was equipped with better shoes this time around, with better ankle support. I still noticed a few times the shoes slipping and my ankle flaring up. The waves came again and tore me to shreds. I hadn’t felt powerful emotions like this for so long. I felt like a wounded child. The only thing that gave me solace was the brief glimpses of the water from the river that ran by the trails. The moving water would soothe me momentarily until we would walk past and I felt the sickly hot emotions hit me again. I did my best not to run from them and embrace them in whatever way I could.

By the time we reach the falls things settled down again. I enjoyed the rocks and the river rushing past, and even smiled at the rain that was beginning to come down. A part of me was ready for the battle. We got soaked on the way back but overall I didn’t mind. Despite being hungry, wet, and cold just being outside and walking felt good. However the reprieve was temporary.

Our hike the next day to Lonesome Lake was just as difficult. My friends were impatient that morning to get going and were afraid my uncle was going to call off hiking for the day all together. Part of me didn’t blame them, as I could understand the fiery drive to challenge yourself. In moments I myself was able to emulate their childlike movement through the trails. It felt good to adventure; to take risks. Getting the lake was pretty simple overall. I did my best to keep the party connected. My uncle Larry was taking it slow and we had picked up a couple stragglers on the way that he was helping shepherd back on to the trails. We were forced off trail because the bridge over the river was destroyed, and we were attempting to find a safe place to cross without getting wet. Unfortunately there was no other way across. We stripped our shoes and crossed the river doing our best against the rapids. It was a perilous feeling but we made it. Then we were forced to cross again not even twenty minutes later. Just after my feet got dry.

Eventually we made our way to the top and it was a beautiful respite, I felt so relaxed on the boards of the “pier” that bordered the lake. Ironically, we found a duck by the edge of the lake who also had an injured left foot, and when the woman who noticed mentioned it I actually thought she we speaking about me, although I could not think of a reason why she would be calling me a duck. We laid there for about an hour before heading down. I limped the entire way back.

My injury continued to get worse along with the tumult of my thoughts on each trail we walked. It felt like being dragged across hot coals. Each day, only being able to relax as we got off the trial. My only ability to breathe through the experience came from the moments of peace I found looking at the moving water of the rivers off the trail. The next trail, which was the highest possible difficulty I decided to sit out. “Dangerous trail: being unprepared leaves perilous results” being listed on the sign. I walked a little farther, than turned back as it got dicey. My ankle wouldn’t be able to handle the sheer cliff style movements ahead.

I wandered the woods looking for my uncle for some-time but ended up finding my friends with my uncle by the jeep shortly after. They hadn’t been able to complete the trail either. My uncle on a whim decided to start the beginning of the famous loop, which connected the ridgeline of the most famous mountains including Mt. Little Haystack and Lafeyette. As we were getting in the jeep a though passed through naturally “I want to make this easier” and suddenly my entire body relaxed. All the stress and thoughts disappeared, and silence and peace returned. I was free for sometime, until the thoughts began making their way in again. After we made to the next trail it was still extremely difficult for me. Even with my walking sticks I was limping the entire way, far behind the pack. Once again, I began feeling completely incapable of doing anything. I felt unable to enjoy the trail. Thankfully we didn’t go far and ended up turning back after seeing a beautiful waterfall.

After we met back up and spent our final days in the mountains I was left somewhat ragged, and now I am still spiritually I am putting together the pieces months later, now in final days of summer. This ties in well with what I have been going through lately, once again I began a new meditation and reached higher levels of love and awareness.

The Merkaba meditation is focused on the light body that exists outside the physical dimension which allows us to travel through dimensions. Through this meditation my connection with nature has become deeper that it ever has. I even found the child inside me, free of guilt and shame and with the advent of my ex coming back into my life, began healing old trauma from my childhood, until once again, all of a sudden I became blocked.

Everytime that I have sat lately with this new meditation or any other I am finding a wall that is preventing me from reaching the heights that I have sought. However as I am writing this I have found that its not about the heights and our challenges do not define who we are. We are love. We are indefinable layers of infinite light expanding and changing out into infinity. The challenges come and go, but our true nature is infinite.

A dear friend of mine Katie came to my home to do a reiki session for me, as her pregnancy was reaching its peak. During it I felt a lot of emotion and felt my energy changing. It was brining me back to the human being that I embody. Back to the human experience. As we come to our bodies, life becomes less complicated, less complex. Our bodies are a reflection of the love that is our true nature. We don’t need anything else other than the love that we already are. As we reach deeper levels of love and care for our body, and align our mind with the higher intentions within us, goals become less necessary. We become more free.

I am sure I will begin to fly when I am ready. Right now its time to be human, and accept all that I am right now. Compassion, surrender, acceptance; these are the tools that I use when me mind is getting in the way. There is no need to “do”. Only to be.

- KW



Kyle WestermanComment