Reflection ***Warning Strong Language***
I thought for the longest time that my ex was the reason for my issues. She was toxic, she cheated, she didn’t want to communicate and brushed problems under the carpet. I thought that I was being love for her, giving her an opportunity to feel what she didn’t get from her family, and allowing the potential for her to grow. I was so wrong.
We fought constantly, so many times I ended up crying, defeated, and feeling completely incapable of doing anything to help the problems that we were having. I was so hopelessly co-dependent that her separation from me felt like I was dying and interrupted the entire flow of my life. It must be her fault. "She just doesn’t want to love me. She isn’t able to listen, she won’t ever allow us to grow.”
These thoughts dominated my mind until one day I was talking on the phone with her and I felt her pricking and poking at me to attempt to try and start a fight. She kept pressing and pressing, and I kept repeating over and over again “I don’t want to fight with you. I love you. Goodbye.” I kept repeating this fool’s mantra hoping it would end with-out a fight. I finally hung up, closing my flip phone shut (Remember those?!) and immediately as the two halves of the phone connected it began to ring again. It was my mother. We had the same exact conversation nearly word for word, my mother using the same technique attempting to bait me, and the mantra began again, over and over, “I don’t want to fight with you. I love you. Goodbye.” As I closed the phone the realization bolted through me. I am dating my mother.
Our relationships soon began to dissolve into more and more fighting, the time clearly approaching when we would split. In a final show of defiant infatuation, she showed up as a surprise for our birthday (we are both Scorpios not a week apart) I confessed to her that this time, I had cheated on her. She reacted in agony for a moment, then dug her nails into my chest scarring me (one I still have today) and then hate fucked me on the toilet. The night descended into chaos as she began to drink and before long she was attacking me with the bottle clutched in her hand. When I took it away she tried to punch me, aiming for my face. I dodged and blocked and soon anger over came me. I felt myself throwing her to the ground again and again and finally pinning her against the wall, my hand against her throat. In that brief pause, looking at my hand, I realized what I had done. I had told myself my entire life I wouldn’t be the man to put his hands on a woman, and here I was breaking the oath that I had validated my existence with for so long.
"At least I am not one of those guys..."
I broke down in tears. Letting go of her I went into the other room and curled into a ball and continued to cry there for what felt like hours. She returned and the first thing she did, finding me in tears under the blanket, was grab my dick. I couldn’t believe it. This is really what our relationship had become.
We didn’t see each other again after that, years passed and eventually I found my mentor Tony. I lived with him and he shared wisdom with me every day as we meditated and enjoyed being human. One day I was having a really rough time and Tony noticed. He sat next to me and asked “Whats wrong?” I pursed my lips and turned my face away. Suddenly a memory returned to me. I was sitting with my ex trying to console her in one of her numerous emotional breakdowns. She turned her face pursing her lips and refused to talk to me. I begged and begged but she wouldn’t open up. Then suddenly I was back on the couch with Tony, it became clear to me that I was just like her. That she was my reflection. Now that I had seen the truth, I decided to open up. It helped a lot. I am pretty sure I cried. It was beautiful, like all the other times from then on that I allowed myself to open my heart.
Our lovers are a window into our own soul. We pick partners based on the “love” that we were raised with as a child. If we are to grow and go beyond where our parents went, then we have to be willing to break the mold. I was convinced that it was just my partner that was the problem, but the truth was we attracted each other because we were the same. Don’t fall into the trap of blame and judgement that is keeping us in the same poisonous situations. The only way to heal and grow, is to look in the mirror.
Are you brave enough to go to the deepest parts of your heart and see yourself and your lover for who you really are?
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